Living (?) with Teenagers

Well…I have lived with 3 teenage boys and survived…my youngest of these sons is now 19 and I hope the worst is over with my adventures with him. Now that we are into the world of ‘teenage girls’…a whole new world for us…we are learning that the world actually does revolve around her.
I have learned that when teenage boys get mad at us they tend to slam doors, punch walls, yell and then just give up. Girls, on the other hand, yell, try to bargain with us, pout, and use as much drama as they can until we give in to their needs. ( I have found that my daughter can do this on and off for days or weeks trying to get me to back down on what she wants.) It’s extremely tiring.
I do have a new appreciation for families with more than one girl. Wow! How do they do it?
Our daughter, now entering freshman year in High School, is a great kid…don’t get me wrong. She had a rough start in life living in orphanages and foster families in Russia until she was 10. However, she has quickly assumed the ‘Princess’ role in our home…thinking others will just do things for her all the time.
She loves to enter rooms and turn on all the lights. She will then leave the room with all the lights on…and this happens all day long. She loves being on the phone so it is not unusual to find all 3 of our home phones up in her room. She leaves a trail of wrappers and glasses of half drunk juice by the computer or TV since she likes to snack but ‘forgets’ to clean up. Her bedroom is a sea of clothes – all over the floor — yet she complains of nothing to wear. She manages to take over an hour to get ready to go places as she must try on different things multiple times and do her make up and hair to perfection.
She wants to have sleepovers on a daily basis in the summer where I can enjoy multiple teenage girls all doing the same annoying things! More food and clothes laying around the house with bursts of giggling or screaming coming from the bathroom where they take endless photos of themselves. Sigh…
Do I sound like I am complaining? Maybe. It is exhausting trying to keep up with the latest drama of friends, boys, clothes, whatever. It is hard to imagine that just 5 years ago she was living in a Russian orphanage and virtually had nothing. So now she may sometimes complain that her Dad and I are too strict and never let her have anything…but I know she really knows what it was like to have nothing…and this isn’t it.
The Russian judge at our Adoption court yelled at us that she would never be an American girl…she’d always be a Russian girl. Well, if he could see her now — this Russian girl sure acts like a normal American teenage girl!
So—God give me strength to make it through these upcoming high school years with a girl! It’ll be a whole new experience for us and I’m guessing somehow we’ll survive it!
Do you have teenage girl stories to share? Let me know. It’ll make me feel better to know I am not alone. Ha!

Deborah Mumm
The Adoption Coach
Everything for Adoption

Finding a Frog

Age 6 in Russia

The Mouse in the Garage

We recently discovered we had a mouse living in our garage. We live next to a big open area which includes a pond, geese and ducks. I am sure I have written about the geese and how annoying they can be. Alex, our active 10 yr. old, who was adopted at age 5 from Russia finds it fascinating that we have a mouse hiding in the garage.
I am not too thrilled with this latest development as I wander into our garage many times a day…to get something out of the extra refrigerator we have there or to get bottles to fill up with Kangen Water for customers and friends (my Healthy Water business) — http://www.thewetterwater.com
I did feel kind of funny running to the store for hamster food for Tania’s hamster and for a mouse trap for the same type of critter living in our garage.
Dennis and Alex set up the mouse trap, which is a box with a dial on top saying Caught or Not Caught…and a place for peanut butter..to tempt the critter into the box.
Today I asked Alex if the mouse had been caught. He said, “No.” I commented that we must have a very smart mouse. He then looked at me, in all honesty and exclaimed, “I bet that mouse can see on top of the box the word ‘Caught’ and so he doesn’t go into the box.”
I then asked Alex if he really thought a mouse could learn to read and reminded him how long it took him to learn to read. He was very sincere about saying this but then looked at me like I did make sense.
This is just another case in which I believe kids who live in orphanages do miss out on the common every day things other kids experience…with adult explanations, etc. I really think there are gaps in Alex’s education because of years of neglect in an orphanage. So many common sense things to a child of 10 are brand-new in his mind. So…one step at a time…he is learning and understanding, and we just have to be patient.
As a parent, I admit, I do get a kick out of the things he tells us…and it is a reminder to me that he has a 5 yr. past I know very little about and these comments he makes prove he thinks differently than my bio sons ever did!
We love Alex for his never ending enthusiasm and curiosity. He is a joy to everyone who knows him because of this great personality.

Deborah Mumm, The Adoption Coach
Everything for Adoption

Staying at the Hampton

We recently went to ‘Kellen’s Country’, otherwise known as Missouri for a long weekend. We stayed at the Hampton Inn in Columbia, MO. We like that hotel. It is very close to the Univ. campus and is new, clean and has a nice pool.
When we came home Alex was frustrated that it took 8 hours of traveling to visit Kellen. He noticed a new Hampton Inn being built just a few miles from our home. We commented that it looked a lot like the Hampton Inn we stayed in while visiting Kellen.
Alex suddenly announced from the back seat of the van the other day that maybe we should think about staying at that Hampton Inn instead of the one so far away in MO. He was quite excited with this idea!
I then had to burst his bubble by saying,” Well, that is a nice Hampton except if we go to this one, we won’t be able to see Kellen.”
He looked at me in dismay and then agreed that wouldn’t work. He does love Kellen and even though it is far to visit him, he doesn’t mind once he sees him!

Deborah Mumm, The Adoption Coach
http://www.everythingforadoption.com

MO Hike

8th Grade Graduation Ceremony Etiquette?

Our daughter had her 8th grade graduation ceremony last night.  She does go to a huge middle school with over 800 students in each grade level. Thankfully, they had 2 ceremonies so only 425 kids were present at each ceremony.  When you add families to the picture, it does create a very full gym.

They had the school band play the entrance music while the students processed in.  People in the gym were talking so loud, the music could barely be heard.  I noticed several families arrive more than 30 minutes late and they felt free to talk, hug, stand up and walk around with relatives in the audience.  They seemed oblivious to the fact that others were trying to listen to the speakers at the front and that there was a ceremony going on.

Several people had crying or screaming babies which were quite distracting.  I know when my kids acted like that we would take them outside of the room until they quieted down. These people acted like their kids weren’t even crying.

When it came time to hand out the diplomas (all 425 of them) it was asked that applause be held until all students got their diploma.  This would shorten the time of the ceremony and also would make it possible to hear the name of  each child.  It became pretty obvious that most people did not care about this as many of them hooted, howled, whistled and whatever else made noise when names were called.

I realize it is difficult to control the behavior of large groups of people in social situations.  I guess I was brought up to have common courtesy for others and find it amazing that people do so many self-serving behaviors with no concern for others.

The good news was that my daughter didn’t notice all this since she was in front of the room and we were in the back…with a clear view of the majority of the audience.  She was thrilled to have graduated and to be with her friends.  My husband bought her a dozen long stemmed white roses and she was delighted.  She felt it was a special occasion and didn’t notice all the annoyances we could see during the ceremony.  She felt special and that’s what counted.  High School is just a few months away and she gets to start with a ‘clean slate’.  New friends, new possiblities!  Onto the future…and for a girl who was living in an orphanage less than 5 years ago, this is a huge moment in time.

Deborah Mumm, Everything for Adoption

Warner Bros. responds to Orphan movie Protest

As per my last post, I was disappointed to see a movie that offers people another reason to be scared to adopt an older child.  I realize it is a horror movie and not real but I don’t like any negative messages getting out there about adoption that might scare potential adoptive families.  Warner Bros did listen to our protests and this is a response Facebook member received yesterday.

Warner Bros. response to Orphan movie protest

So, you can see that even a small group of people with a concern for their childrens well-being can make a difference.  Will the movie still be played across the country?  Yes, but we have made some small steps towards improving the situation.

Let’s keep Adoption as a term used positively for another way to build a family.

Thanks.

Deborah Mumm, The Adoption Coach

Everything for Adoption

Time to Boycott this very Anti-Adoption Movie

As the parent of two older children adopted from Russian orphanages I was quite upset to hear about this movie coming out soon.   Most people have the idea that older children will have more problems and therefore don’t consider adopting kids that are older.  Is this movie going to help older kids sitting in institutions right now?  You watch the trailer and tell me what you think.  I think it’s terrible.

The messaging in the trailer perpetuates misinformation about adoption, and it serves to reinforce the perception that older adoptees are very troubled. Those of us in the adoption community face these very real prejudices and misconceptions from the general public on a daily basis.

More positive things are needed to be said about adopting older children to help these kids find families.  Do some kids have troubles after being institutionalized for years?  Yes.  Are all of them permanently damaged?  No.  Let’s try to help children living in orphanages…not make movies portraying them as monsters that murder their families.  Here is the trailer for the film—

http://orphan-movie.warnerbros.com/

Just my opinion….What’s yours?

**If you want to boycott this upcoming movie you can do so on Facebook.

Deborah Mumm, The Adoption Coach

www.everythingforadoption.com

Negative Things People Say about Adoption

We think Adoption is a wonderful thing.  We know it is not meant for the ‘weak of heart’.  We had children the ‘old-fashioned way’ and the ‘adoption way’ and I have to say Adopting is a lot harder on your emotions. When I was pregnant, I pretty much knew when my baby would arrive.  There were medical books and more that took me step by step through my pregnancy.  Let me just say, there are no rule books about the Adoption process.  There are forms upon forms to fill out…some that border on the ridiculous.  (We had to have the state verify what IL minimum wage was…why?  Who knows.) We had to wait and wait…never knowing when the end would be in sight.

But it is the words people say that I find incredible.  Even when I was pregnant there were a few people that would comment on the horrible pain of labor or how little sleep I’d get soon…things like that.  But people who have never experienced adoption should really refrain from Adoption comments unless they know the effects of what they are saying.

Here are some things people said to us when we were waiting to adopt.

1.  Are you crazy? Don’t you think you have enough kids already?

2. Have you thought this through?  I’ve heard that adopting children like that can cause marriage problems.

3. Did you see that show where that family adopted kids from Russia and then they turned on the parents and almost killed them? (Yes, someone told me this.)

4.  Adding new children to your family can ruin the relationship you have with your sons.

5. Wow…you’ve been waiting a long time. Why don’t you just get on a plane and go get them?  or… Maybe you should just give up on this, it’s taking so long.

These things were said to us and they hurt when I heard them.  Yes, we had thought this through.  It was not an over-night decision.  Even some of  my family did not support us in this decision and that made it difficult to talk about the process and our impatience.

So…if you meet someone in the adoption process these are some of the things you can do to help them.

1.  Congratulate them.  Inquire when they hope to have the child home. (Keep it simple!)

2.  Do not share horror stories from the media.  For every adoption gone wrong there are 100 with happy endings. (They just don’t make the news!)

3.  Ask if they need your help in any way.  Most adoptive parents are struggling to pay for the adoption, air fare, etc. Unfortunately, the wealthy people are not usually the ones who adopt children.

4.  Offer to help with their home or other children when they get the call to travel.  I would have loved help with this.  We had to be gone for so long on each trip.

Remember, it takes a special person to be an adoptive parent. The adoption process is long and emotional.  Most people would never consider adoption because of these hardships.  But those who have adopted children know the end result was worth it.

And pray for the millions of children sitting in orphanages right now who will never know what it is like to be in a family.  Children should live in homes, not in orphanages.

Deborah Mumm, The Adoption Coach

Everything for Adoption

His Own Little Language

Shortly after we adopted Tania and Alex (ages 10 & 5) we realized that the ‘language thing’ is kind of a BIG thing initially.  Our kids were quite social and were always talking to us…like we understood Russian.  Most of the time I could kind of figure out what they were talking about because of their hand gestures or facial expressions.  Other times I just would say one phrase I did know in Russian –”I don’t understand”….and smile.

It was late summer when the kids arrived so every day we made the 4 block trek to the park, since they didn’t have any friends to play with yet and I had no clue what to do with them otherwise.  One day, as we walked along while Alex rode his big wheel he was talking at the top of his lungs (in Russian) very excitedly…probably about every little thing he saw along the way.  There was an older woman sitting on her porch watching us go by.  She commented to us, “Isn’t that cute?  It’s like he has his own little language!”

Dennis & I smiled at each other. Then I replied to her, “Actually, it is!  We like to call it Russian.”  Before we could say much more to her, Alex had sped off ahead of us so we ran down to path to catch up to him.  It was kind of funny!

Deborah Mumm, The Adoption Coach

http://www.everythingforadoption.com

Mother’s Day Tribute!

It was recently noted that a current Mom’s salary (if she got paid for everything she did) would be around $123,000 per year.  Here is a link to one site that stated this -- Mom Salary.

But for all the mom’s who never got paid a salary here is my tribute–

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mom’s that went through all the joys and pains of pregnancy.  The aches and pains, poking & prodding by doctors for 9 months and then the pain & joy of giving birth.  I know at that moment I suddenly realized the worth of all that pain…holding my new baby in my arms. To the mom’s who waited months or years to adopt a child…for the endless paperwork, the bills, the horrible waiting…who finally traveled to get their child so their lives together could begin…Happy Mother’s Day.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mom’s who ever had a toddler.  The getting up at dawn, the constant picking up of toys, the rescuing of the family dog, retrieving items from the toilet, the chasing of little legs that seem to find all the places they shouldn’t go…all those exhausting moments still made you smile when you thought of your little one!

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mom’s of kids who still thought you were cool, who gave you hugs and kisses unconditionally, who made pictures for you to hang on the refrigerator and who still didn’t mind spending time with you.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mom’s of teenagers who tolerate you only briefly, who occasionally smile at your jokes, who are embarrassed if you talk too much in front of their friends, who slam doors and get angry at your rules and who seem to need you only when they want something.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mom’s who have kids in college that forget to call you very often or respond to your emails, yet seem to discover they miss all those little things you did for them when they were home. For all those mom’s who get a little excited and choked up when their college kid calls them just to talk…Happy Mother’s Day.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mom’s who have kids that have left home and are now working and living on their own.  Somehow they will always be those kids you carted all around town to activities, but in your heart you know they are grown and able to do things on their own now.  A part of you misses them living down the hall from you, but the other part is proud of how they have grown to be a fine adult. Your heart will leap when they come home and give you a hug, and your heart will feel a little sad when they leave.

Yes, being a mom is a lot of work.  It is also a lot of fun. Would it have been nice to be paid for all those years of taking care of a home & family?  Sure…and you know, I never got paid in dollars for my job as a mom but the reward of having great kids who I am proud of, is enough pay for me.

It doesn’t matter if the kids in your life are your biological kids, adopted kids, neighbor kids, foster kids…doesn’t matter.  Here are the words of a sign I keep in my home office—

“A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove…. but the world might be a better place because I made a difference in the life of a child.”

So—Happy Mother’s Day to all mom’s who made a difference to a child.  That child may make a difference in this world because of you!

Thanks.

Deborah Mumm, The Adoption Coach

Everything for Adoption

Kids

Natural, Real or Biological Mom–Which Term is Best?

It was brought to my attention that the term ‘Natural’ mom was a kinder word than ‘biological’ mom.  I do like the sound of ‘Natural’ better but find that term a little more vague than ‘Biological’.  In many cases this ‘Natural’ mom is one who has to make the most difficult decision of her life…to offer her child a better life than one that she can offer.  I admire all women who choose adoption over abortion for their unborn child.  It has to be one of the most difficult things someone can do…but is truly a hero for doing so!

In my case, my childrens  ‘Natural’ or ‘Biological’ mom was a young woman in Russia who drank , didn’t take care of herself or her children and neglected them until she lost her parental rights.  She did not choose to go out and find a better life for her children.  It’s a good thing someone was looking out for her children or they probably wouldn’t be alive today.  Was she a ‘Good’ mom?  Sometimes.  My daugther told me that she did get one birthday present from her mom that she always remembers.  It was a Snickers bar.  It was the only birthday present she ever got before she came to America at 11. Maybe she was loving or caring when she was with her kids.  I don’t know.

But we celebrate her life on Mother’s Day each year.  We light an Angel candle and say a little prayer thanking Tania & Alex’s birth mom for giving birth to them and allowing them to come to America to be in our family.  I think it helps make the kids feel better about her.

So…anyone else out there have a better term for the ‘birth mom’ or the ‘adoptive mom’ that is ‘Adoption-Friendly’?

Thanks.

Deborah Mumm, The Adoption Coach

www.everythingforadoption.com