Negative Things People Say about Adoption

We think Adoption is a wonderful thing.  We know it is not meant for the ‘weak of heart’.  We had children the ‘old-fashioned way’ and the ‘adoption way’ and I have to say Adopting is a lot harder on your emotions. When I was pregnant, I pretty much knew when my baby would arrive.  There were medical books and more that took me step by step through my pregnancy.  Let me just say, there are no rule books about the Adoption process.  There are forms upon forms to fill out…some that border on the ridiculous.  (We had to have the state verify what IL minimum wage was…why?  Who knows.) We had to wait and wait…never knowing when the end would be in sight.

But it is the words people say that I find incredible.  Even when I was pregnant there were a few people that would comment on the horrible pain of labor or how little sleep I’d get soon…things like that.  But people who have never experienced adoption should really refrain from Adoption comments unless they know the effects of what they are saying.

Here are some things people said to us when we were waiting to adopt.

1.  Are you crazy? Don’t you think you have enough kids already?

2. Have you thought this through?  I’ve heard that adopting children like that can cause marriage problems.

3. Did you see that show where that family adopted kids from Russia and then they turned on the parents and almost killed them? (Yes, someone told me this.)

4.  Adding new children to your family can ruin the relationship you have with your sons.

5. Wow…you’ve been waiting a long time. Why don’t you just get on a plane and go get them?  or… Maybe you should just give up on this, it’s taking so long.

These things were said to us and they hurt when I heard them.  Yes, we had thought this through.  It was not an over-night decision.  Even some of  my family did not support us in this decision and that made it difficult to talk about the process and our impatience.

So…if you meet someone in the adoption process these are some of the things you can do to help them.

1.  Congratulate them.  Inquire when they hope to have the child home. (Keep it simple!)

2.  Do not share horror stories from the media.  For every adoption gone wrong there are 100 with happy endings. (They just don’t make the news!)

3.  Ask if they need your help in any way.  Most adoptive parents are struggling to pay for the adoption, air fare, etc. Unfortunately, the wealthy people are not usually the ones who adopt children.

4.  Offer to help with their home or other children when they get the call to travel.  I would have loved help with this.  We had to be gone for so long on each trip.

Remember, it takes a special person to be an adoptive parent. The adoption process is long and emotional.  Most people would never consider adoption because of these hardships.  But those who have adopted children know the end result was worth it.

And pray for the millions of children sitting in orphanages right now who will never know what it is like to be in a family.  Children should live in homes, not in orphanages.

Deborah Mumm, The Adoption Coach

Everything for Adoption

8 responses to this post.

  1. Think how much easier it would be to just donate some money to have a child stay in their own country with their own mother?

    Or sponsoring a young mom that needs help near you?

    That would make you even more special.


    • If these were possibilities, then it would be great to be able to help. Unfortunately, these opportunities to help a birth mom don’t usually happen, especially in foreign countries.
      But it’s a nice idea.


  2. There are plenty of opportunities to help mothers in foreign countries. It’s a great idea.


  3. au contraire mon frere, there are limitless possiblities to help children in your neighborhood and abroad. It is not necessary to take a children from their mothers, their homelands, their cultures and strip them of their identity to be a “special” person.

    There is a lot you can give to a child without taking anything from then in return.


  4. I actually agree with you on this. There is a lot we can do to help children here in the USA and abroad. However, very little is being done right now. There are organizations making a difference to many children around the world who don’t have families, but for every child being helped there are hundreds that aren’t. I realize I have only seen a handful of orphanages in Russia, but I saw children in helpless situations where the government and the society was not trying to help them. We need more people to step up and help kids in this situation, but it is out of control right now. It is difficult to even find enough foster families in the U.S. to help our own children, let alone the millions in orphanages or on the street. I think we need to make people more aware of this situation and try to get more help around the world. These kids will be the adults running our world in the near future!


  5. Oh yes, I have heard them all. One thing that helped me was one thing that some adoptive parents don’t like: Being asked how the process/wait is going. While this troubles or frustrates some parents, I look at it differently. I don’t have a pregnant belly. It’s not obvious that we are anxiously awaiting our baby. Therefore, I want it remembered too….So I continually told our family and friends it was ok to ask, even if we didn’t have any new information. I truely appreciated the love and support that their follows brought me. It was a validation of sorts that adoption is just as exciting as giving birth.


  6. Great post. It is amazing how concerned people can get over your decision to adopt. Just a few days ago a relative told me how dangerous open adoptions are and that they don’t think we should seek an open adoption.
    Some days I have enough energy to try to educate, but some days I don’t. As if the adoption alone didn’t take up enough energy.


  7. We really enjoyed this blog and appreciate it very much. Not a lot of people understand the meaning of “paper pregnant” and the emotions that come with it. Adoption is a wonderful gift for the child and the family, we have over 7,400 families to prove it. Great post.


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