Am I ‘The Mean Mom?’

Ok…it’s time to ask of your advice. Am I being the MEAN MOM here? This is what has been going on which has my teenage daughter telling me to ‘chill out’ and that I am so MEAN.

First, freshman daughter goes to a concert 45 min. away last night. Before she goes she tells me that her friend’s mom, who is driving there, will be staying with them and taking them home. Fine. However, this was not the other mom’s intention and she drops the 3 girls off there with the idea they will find a way home. Needless to say, I get called and at 8:30 have to drive the 45 min. to pick them up and then take the other two home. We get back home by 10:30 pm. I tell my daughter that plans have to be made ahead and can’t just plan one way rides with the idea I’ll always come to the rescue. (This has happened multiple times.) I told her next time she has plans I will need to talk to other parents before the plans begin. She thinks I am overreacting.

Then….this morning (Halloween) she informs me that she has invited 5 girls and 5-6 boys to come to our house to ‘hang-out’ for an hour or so before trick or treating. Then they will all go trick or treating together. I, personally, tend to think the bigger the crowd of teenagers together the greater the likelihood of dumb things happening. Again, she thinks I am overreacting. I ask her, “What will everyone do at our house?” She says they will sit downstairs in our rec room. (Right…teenagers just sitting and talking for an hour!) Then after trick or treating, what did she think they were all going to do? Come back, sit and eat candy. Hmm…my guess is they will need drinks and food also. Plus, I am thinking of the mess these kids seem to leave behind whenever she invited groups of kids over. I told her I needed advance notice of these things and don’t appreciate her just making plans for large amounts of kids to come to our house without asking me first. Again, she thinks I am being mean.

I do have a gripe with some of the parents of these kids also. There are certain parents who think they can drop their child off at their my house, I will look after them, feed them,etc. Then it is expected that I get them home by a designated time. Have things changed? When my older kids were young, if I took them to a friends’ home then I also picked them up later. I figure that is the least I can do if my kid got to hang out at their house for several hours. What do you think?

I did tell my daughter that only the girls could come over today and not the boys. She was a bit mad, but seemed to get over it. I know that girls can be a lot of drama and it only gets worse when boys are around.

Now I know she has plans to go to a movie with a boy she likes from school tomorrow. She told me it was a 7:30 pm movie…on a Sunday night. I am trying to get my daughter to think more about school work and less about her social plan. Seems I am losing an on-going battle here, doesn’t it? I told her she needs to change it to a matinee or no movie. We do not want her out late on a school night. Again…being mean?

So…those are the latest trials and tribulations we are having here at this house. Any advice? I know I have successfully raised 3 great boys but this ‘girl’ thing is driving me crazy!

Deborah Mumm, The Adoption Coach

Am I being a Mean Mom?


7 responses to this post.

  1. Hold your ground!! I hear teen age girls are the worst. Though I had a son that I had to set limits with. I was always the meanest mom!!!! But, many of his friends did not turn out good!!!


  2. Stick to your guns, Debbie. We raised two daughters and a son. Our oldest, a girl, was a handful. Had boys at the door constantly as a teenager… just be prepared b/c if T. is anything like our oldest she’s going to do her own thing sooner or later no matter what you say. If I had it to do over again I’d be even stricter – I figure, in retrospect, whenever kids ask me for something, which they ALWAYS do, it seems to me that fair is fair… so if they ask for money, the keys to the car, inviting friends over, etc. then have a little chat with them and basically ask (in principle) “what have you done for me lately?” Have they done their chores? Have they cleaned up after themselves? Are they making a genuine effort in school? What’s the general attitude? You only need to check accounts with her if she’s been bucking the system. If she’s been doing her fair share then fine, grant her (reasonable) requests… if everything’s done in love (which I know you do) then you’re good to go.

    As far as other parents are concerned, yep, I’d definitely get on the phone and verify the plans and arrangements, b/c kids will conveniently generalize about where they’re going and what they’re doing …I say, parents unite! I don’t mean to sound like a Nazi, but kids need to know you’re no pushover and that you, too, do your homework… and try to have fun and stay good natured about it all (if they’ll let you and not create too much drama!)


  3. Wow…you sound just like me. I am ‘the mean mom’ but find she still thinks of me as her best friend. (I’ve heard her tell her friends that.) So, I guess I am doing something right. She does have to do chores, maintain her bedroom & bathroom, and have homework done before social activities. She complains but usually does it …otherwise, she doesn’t get what she wants. Believe me, she is always wanting something…the cycle doesn’t seem to end.
    On the whole, she is a good kid. I am seeing improvement with her behavior as time goes on.
    i appreciate your comments, Clay!



  4. You are neither ‘mean’ nor unreasonable. However, you did make some (IMHO) really basic mistakes. Regarding the concert~ parents must always talk before any event. It is for safety reasons as much as anything. Sunday night movie? Put a rule in place that everyone is home by X time on school nights. (We say 7, whatever works for you). Those basic preventative rules save a lot of in the moment drama. Good luck ~ teen girls are a blast!

    PS You are doing somethings really right if she wants her friends over! Good job~!


    • Thanks for the comment. I should have spoken to that mom before the girls left with her to the concert. I am finding it increasingly difficult to talk to kids parents as many do not have home phones anymore…just cell phones. My daughter was always smart/sneaky enough to tell me lies and too many times I believed her…then find out later she made it all up.
      Good news is…I have learned from my mistakes and am much more vigilant with my 13 yr. old son now. That poor kid doesn’t have a chance lying to me….lol!



  5. Again the problem is you don’t love your daughter. I can’t find any single word that tells me she matters more to you than any other crap like religion or etc.


    • Obviously you are not a mother and know nothing about how difficult is to raise kids…especially ones who have been traumatized. It’s because I love these kids so much is why we have gone through so much therapy, treatments, schools, etc…to help them & us.


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