Posts Tagged ‘attachment issues’

How to Help New Adoptive Parents


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So you know someone who has just adopted a child. They need to learn how to adjust to this child, to learn about the true personality of this child. The child needs to become attached to this new family.  It doesn’t happen immediately, even though it may appear it has. There are things you can do to help this family through this transition period.

During the transition, family and friends may feel a little left out. Grandparents, especially, may not be able to spend as much time with their new grandchild or dote on them as much as they would like. This is temporary. Remember: the goal is for the new child to securely attach to their parents. Once that happens, then you will be able to see them, take them on outings, babysit, etc. to your heart’s content! Until then, visits will need to be short.

If you want to help the new parents there are many things you can do:

· Make meals, package them in freezer containers, and deliver them to the new family

· Go grocery shopping and run errands

· Offer to clean the house, do the laundry, wash the car, mow the lawn, etc.

· Help address and stuff envelopes to mail out homecoming announcements.

· Be the contact person to share news and updates with other family and friends.

Be there for them if they need to talk or need support. It is an exciting time but usually overwhelming to both the child and the new family.

Deborah Mumm, The Adoption Coach

Everything for Adoption

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Tough Love


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It has been almost 3 weeks since our teenage daughter was asked to move out of our home because she could not follow simple home rules that we need in place to live as a family.  There have been moments she has called and asked for help and I have offered advice but will no longer drop everything and run out to get her.  She didn’t like this at first, but seems to have figured out that she is living independently (at least from us) and has to figure things out on her own.  We haven’t heard or seen her very much but I get the feeling she is beginning to feel the urgency of how she needs a job to begin paying for all the things she needs.

I hope so!

Our home has been more peaceful with less stress, especially in the evenings when we were used to the phone ringing at all hours from her. We can maintain a normal family existence with our sons this summer..going to ball games, the pool, having sleep overs with their friends, etc.

Am I sorry this had to happen?  Of course.  It was not our choice but we had to put some rules in place to save our family from falling apart because of the stress she was adding when she lived here.  She had the choice to cooperate with our simple rules and we’d help her get to independent living if she cooperated.  She chose not to. 

I am sure this is not the end of the story.  We are still concerned with her well-being and will help her once we see she is trying to move on the right path again. So, in the mean time, we will continue to pray for her to make good choices this summer. Tough Love practices are not easy, that is for sure.

I have had a lot of well meaning people tell me that we are doing the right thing, and a few that have told me how awful I am for posting this here.  I have given it a lot of thought and while I don’t like exposing our life (and our daughter’s) to the world, I have found in most instances by sharing our story I have helped others deal with similar pressures in their lives.

I have faith that our daughter will some day come to her senses and will start using all that therapy we have supplied her with all these years.  In the meantime, we will be strong….for her…and for the rest of our family.

Have a wonderful summer!

Deborah Mumm

Everything for Adoption

Facing Difficulties with Adopted Kids


Adopting Older Kids

Greetings!

Children who were abused, removed from a family or and orphanage they knew, and then adopted into a strange home do often have difficulty adjusting. Should we blame them? In my opinion, it has nothing to do with international adoption. It has to do with the struggles these kids endured. I have seen this happen with children who were abused here in the States and then adopted out of the foster care system. It really bothers me that people say things like “I was so close to sending her back to Russia” like she is an inanimate object. These parents were looking for a story book ending. Raising children, adopted or not, is challenging. It does not matter how you choose to build a family, you need to be prepared for anything. Adopting an older child out of an orphanage who was abused will definitely have risks. No person should be able to adopt such a child if they are not aware of the risks and prepared to manage them once they appear. This is just my opinion.

What do you think? Should more educational programs be available for prospective adoptive parents?

Deborah Mumm, The Adoption Coach
Everything for Adoption